Every child wants to be someone in their parents eyes.
Not just as their child, but as their pride and joy.
Different parents have different definition of pride and joy.
Pleasing parents is not easy- it might be as hard as learning maths when I was young.
When I was young, I let my parents down for the first time. I had been the best student in my classes, always got the first place in exams, won the best student in few subjects and always called onto stage.
Little by little, I began to lose my shine. I could not secure my place at the top, and I blamed it on myself for having friends. Yes, the little me was disappointed of myself for not getting the first place in classes because I had few new friends. I turned cold on everyone and concentrated on my studies.
I cried every night. I stressed myself.I remembered how many nights I sniffled while trying to solve complex (in my mind) calculations.
The firs important exam arrived. It was called Ujian Peperiksaan Sekolah Rendah, UPSR.
Mama said I must get 6As.
Mama said I must go to Tengku Kursiah (it is one of the elite schools in Malaysia).
Mama said I will make her proud.
But I didn't.
That was the beginning of all.
I felt shunned. I felt useless. I felt alone. There was no one that I can turn to. There was no shoulder to cry on.
And so, I created her. My onii-chan. My big sister who will pat my head and tell me it will be all right. My protector who will hold me as I cry to my sleep.
Before, she was nameless. She simply existed as another voice in my head. Slowly, her existence became more solid and little by little, she expressed something different.
Because of the way I grew up, I was scared of standing up for myself.
I was scared to tell my rights.
I was scared of everything.
The hermit. The weirdo. The no-one's favorite. And so, she was my ego, my personification of pride, arrogance and self-esteem which the me could not present.
Two decades passed and here I am, still with her, embracing the ups and down of life.
It's a disorder that will never disappear, until I learn to step out from this box of innocent thoughts that world is not mean and everyone is kind and there is no evil.
When the day comes, when I learn to accept the ugly truth about life and become an adult, then she and I will become one.
Then, I will be the one who can smile and can sneer at others at the same time.
For now, I want to remain in this beautiful thoughts- in this box, safely.
For now, I leave the cruelty, black and dark sides to her. With her, I want to cherish this world, to be the supporter and protector of others.
Because of the way I grew up, I was scared of standing up for myself.
I was scared to tell my rights.
I was scared of everything.
The hermit. The weirdo. The no-one's favorite. And so, she was my ego, my personification of pride, arrogance and self-esteem which the me could not present.
Two decades passed and here I am, still with her, embracing the ups and down of life.
It's a disorder that will never disappear, until I learn to step out from this box of innocent thoughts that world is not mean and everyone is kind and there is no evil.
When the day comes, when I learn to accept the ugly truth about life and become an adult, then she and I will become one.
Then, I will be the one who can smile and can sneer at others at the same time.
For now, I want to remain in this beautiful thoughts- in this box, safely.
For now, I leave the cruelty, black and dark sides to her. With her, I want to cherish this world, to be the supporter and protector of others.
Labels: Life&lols, ramblings, whatIthink
