Assalamualaikum and good morning, everyone!
*stretches*

Alhamdulillah, Visual Arts Expo ended successfully. Despite I was neither the volunteer, the organizing team member nor even anyone significant to the event flow, two days I attended it were pretty crucial to me.


Day One was more of me and Haruhi hanging out and was suddenly asked if could do a photoshoot. Day Two was the important day because I promised Gary, the photographer for JUICE, a session with other Hijab Lolita girls.

Today marks the beginning of the final week of August. I have five days to prepare myself on almost everything.

There's Animangaki to attend.
There's wedding to attend.
There's orientation for degree too!

*screams in pain* I am thankful to Allah for the great days and weeks this month. There are so many happy moments and sad moments for me and I treasure both because everything that happen are all His plan for me.

Anyway! Hana is trying her best to post all entries related up until yesterday's event of VAX. It will take some time to type, upload pictures and stuff.

So stay tuned <3

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It was a sudden change of plan. Supposedly, I will be coming to Nijikai today as I had promised Haruhi to do so. Today would be our first-time meeting after months of seeing each other. Unfortunately, Mama held special ceremony for me and my late grandparents. We called it 'kenduri', by the way.
Why we do kenduri, you may ask. It usually comes with prayers or Du'a for certain occasions or purposes. Kenduri arwah or for my late grandparents is done for their easy life in the afterlife, may they be in good place or as many would say be rest in peace.

Kenduri kesyukuran or for gratitude is done to show appreciation to Allah for fulfilling something, in my situation it's the offer to continue degree in accounting at University of Malaya. It can also be done to ask for Allah's mercy on any obstacles in the future as I study there.

You know how hell can break loose in University of Malaya.

As sad and devastated as I was not able to attend Nijikai and see Haruhi, I am actually happy and grateful to Mama and Abah for conducting this kenduri. Throughout the day, I can see just how proud my parents are when they mentioned this 'open house' of sort is actually for me going to enter in University of Malaya too.

Hana was a bit disappointed that none of them has older son- older and worth to match with son. *laughs* enough peeking around, Hana. I was embarrassed by the fact one of Abah's friends who attended the kenduri brought albums back when they worked together in a Japanese company.

She showed Abah the albums and one of them made Abah smiled. He made a gesture to me, sort of calling me to come and see something. When he showed me a picture of me when I was five or so, grumbling and pouting in red dress WITH BOB HAIRCUT, I was unable to utter a word.

I LOOKED HIDEOUS!

No more short haircut for me, just no.

Most of Abah's former colleagues remembered me as the little girl. They were super awed by the fact of how I have grown up and how beautiful I am right now. Sheesh, of course. I wouldn't be caught dead in that sort of disastrous haircut anymore! NU-UH!

I took a selfie with my juniors and another selfie with two little devils who made my day not so boring. Frankly speaking, I don't like kids. I am terrified of making them cry. They cry too sudden! At the same time, I enjoy their companies too. Okay, some of them only. I don't like brats- kids who think they know it all.

From as early as 7:00 am until 10:00 pm, I was busy with the dishes, serving and handling kids. I told Mama that I am going to end my shift  and have Abang take over with the cleaning. Abang did manage to sleep in the evening, so he agreed with the 'tag'.

To those who attended Nijikari, hope you guys enjoyed the event. I heard it was a blast and Haruhi said 'sadly you did not go'. Apparently, Haine rolled her eyes out of jealousy since Haruhi posted a picture of her helping her partner putting a necklace on.

Pardon Haine, she's too tired to think things straight.

Thank you also to those who congratulated and Du'a for me. I am thankful that you still manage to make few minutes of your time to remember and pray for me.

Till then!

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The week of the month that I have been waiting for has arrived. Maybe some of you are facing the same nervous, heart-raising moment as I am.

Can you guess what am I talking about?

It is UPU RESULT WEEK!
UPU stands for Unit Pusat Universiti or its direct translation is University Central Unit. Formally, it is not called as UPU anymore since 2005. It is known as Bahagian Pengurusan Kemasukan Pelajar (BPKP) or Students Intake Management Unit I think. *laughs* pardon my translation. It is way too direct but at least it gives you the idea of what it is.

Basically, BPKP or we kids who were from 90s called it UPU handles the applications for furthering your studies to local universities in Malaysia, regardless for foundation, diploma or degree (undergraduate). Now, I understand that some of you are not quite familiar with the Malaysian education system. Believe me, I am stunned by how different our school class system is, the whole grade according to age seems a bit strange to me and I happen to know it through role-playing.

To be honest, our education system has changed from the generation of our parents. Mama told me her university life- the exams and the ranking- I was not exactly grateful that things have changed to be better, or at least that's how my seniors put it.

In my opinion, it doesn't matter which university you get enroll to, or which field of study you are in. When it comes to study, it is always hard and always worth. Whether it is a so-called prestige, a regular, or a private institution, study is deemed to push you to do the very best. Whether you are doing the professional field like doctor or engineering, architecture, graphic, mechanical things, or even hair-styling, study remains hard in its own way.

And if you are unable to proceed with study, work. Take certificate classes. Do just anything instead of lazing around feeling depressed about your future. Life is full of routes to learn new things, whether in classes, in hall or on the field. Never give up to do your best in whatever you choose to do!

I know some parents can get waaay too exaggerating. When you fail to enroll in the university they want, or getting the course they want, they get pissed off and started nagging at you, swearing this and that. Sometimes, you feel like you are just worthless to be their kid and want to end your life. Maybe that's the best solution but it's not. Sure everyone feels sad and frustrated when they could not get through the route they had planned, but there's always a second route to everything.

Allah teaches mankind that there are many things you can do as long as you are not dead. When you die, you cannot ask for forgiveness, you cannot amend your mistakes, you CANNOT DO ANYTHING. So, as long as you live, do what you can to change your course of life.

As for me, Alhamdulillah Allah fulfilled my parent's dream to see me continue my degree in accounting at University of Malaya. If you ask me, am I happy? Of course I am. Not because I have been accepted into a well-ranked university in Malaysia, but because I get to see my parents feel all so proud and happy that their daughter is going to continue her degree in the university they dream of.

Mama keeps telling me, "Look at how Abah is so happy and proud of you".

Abah- my dad that is- is a very quiet, keep things to himself sort of guy. He speaks when it is necessary and, sincerely speaking, not as educated as my mom. He barely speaks about his school life, and Mama said he did not even take Sijil Penilaian Tinggi. Instead of studying, he worked ten times harder helping his uncle with plumbing work and look at him now- runs a successful company, has a very comfortable house and owns more than two cars.

He always say to me, "I want to see my kids study where I and your mom failed to study at".

So when I get this offer to continue my degree at University of Malaya, I can see he is smiling inside out, even though he is the kind of guy who doesn't express his emotions much. Well folks, I can say both Mama and Abah are two great examples of successful people. One is successful by studying, while another one is successful by working very hard.

To my juniors, no matter what the result of UPU you get, no matter what your parents, friends, relatives and people around you say, chin up and face your future with full confident and determination. Whatever that happens, Allah knows. It can be a test for you, or it can be a route to a better future. You never know unless you face it with strong will to reach your dream.

Everyone, let's do our best to make our parents and ourselves proud!

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Oh, excuse my terrible sense in naming my post entry. I'm actually too excited to give a good thought on what the post title should be!

Things have been... horrible for me and my dear friends who involved with the hijab lolita interview. Every one of us claimed we are used to this negative comments from the public, since three of five of you are hijab cosplayers. We claimed we are fine but truth to be told, we are not.

Deep down inside, we are no different than any girl out there- fragile, defenseless and being accused for nonsense. This would be the third day since the interview video was on air.

Alhamdulillah, Allah presented me good news!
MY PARCEL HAS ARRIVED!
*dances in joy*

I never expected it to arrive so early. All right, so here is the timeline for the items I ordered!

29th May - Paid deposit for Honey Honey Lolita Rabbit in Teacup JSK in red
1st July - Inquired price for Luka Megurine's Senbonzakura boots and Luka Megurine's Senbonzakura Costume
24th July - Informed the dress is ready for shipment and need to pay balance
31st July - Paid the balance for the dress, boots and costume
2nd August - FINALLY decided the size and chose "Original tailor printing"
10th August - Updated on the shipping weight and price
13th August - PARCEL ARRIVED!

The joy of able to touch new JSK is literally over the clouds! With the three days of hell I have to go through, the parcel is something like the right potion to cure the madness and depression I was feeling at the moment.


Hana: Eh? So small! Wait, what EXACTLY did we buy?
Haine: Beats me, I don't remember.


Hana: -squeaks in joy- The boots! The dress! Oh oh, the costume must be in the black wrapping!


Hana: The printing on the clothes is so pretty! I love it!
Haine: The boots looks dangerous though....

Nyan2Shoppu is like my one and only trust-worthy Taobao SS. Check out its page by clicking the first banner under Online Shopping column on the right side of this blog!





PRICE: RM 204.70 including RM 12 shipping cost.
The dress is not available anymore as the reservation period has ended.

MATERIAL(S): Cotton, with satin layered underneath the dress.

Frankly speaking, I don't know what hit me at the time when I agree to buy this dress. Why I said that? Any printing that has animal or human figures is not allowable during prayer. Meaning, I cannot perform prayer while wearing clothes that have animal or human printing- either portrait or full body. There are some rulings that said if the animal printing is imperfect, for example it has no facial details just the figure like Polo logo- it is allowable. Some also said that if the logo or printing is too small, or the animal is not real, for example rabbit in coat with watch, it is allowable.

HOWEVER, these rulings do not come with strong Hadith and for me it is better not to wear such things since I don't want to cause something that would distract others while they perform their Solah beside me. They might be staring at my dress or shirt like it's the best thing to look at instead of the Sejadah.

When I received the dress, I put it on and decided to test it with my Infanta bonnet. Mind you, they are from two different shops and from two different series.


It fits so perfectly! I felt in love with this coordinate, except I have to change my hijab instead of red to be cream. The bonnet matches the dress and I could not feel any happier than this! I bought M size in ruby and the fact the dress is actually very comfortable when I'm wearing it saves it from being put on sale. WHY? I have trouble putting it on. The dress is not stretchable around the chest area. It is fixed and when I try to put it on, it stuck half-way.

EXCUSE ME FOR BEING FAT THEN, IT'S ONLY FEW WEEKS AFTER RAYA SEASON.

I love the dress, particularly the printing. So I'm not going to sell it. I maybe gonna try to... alter the chest area a bit. *shrugs*


PRICE: RM 97.20 not include RM 24 shipping cost (paid together with the boots)

MATERIAL(S): Uniform fabric and satin (the white apron dress)

SHOP NAME / CHOICE: Yuqing Animation Studio (google translated) / Original tailor printing

I am totally in love with this costume! Unlike other costumes I have had and worn before, I feel extremely at home and comfortable with this costume. It is very comfortable, cozy and just super SUPER amazing. The color options it has kinda confusing for me and I troubled Nyan few days trying to make the right choice.

Alhamdulillah the choice I picked is the right and the best one. THANK YOU NYAN FOR THE HELP!




It covers right over where the boots covered, it is exactly as I wanted. One of the reasons why I want to cosplay Luka Megurine from Senbonzakura is because the costume itself covers aurah. I might have to wear white inner since the sleeves are yukata-like and so my arms are exposed.



PRICE: RM 90.50 not include RM 24 shipping cost (paid together with the costume)

MATERIAL(S): N/A

SHOP NAME / CHOICE: 长青cos鞋 / size 39

The boots are in perfect condition, new and safe. Safe I mean because, Ya Allah, the boots are somewhat like the Japanese traditional shoes with a pair of wooden platforms attached beneath each boot. There's zip behind the boots, so it is easier for me to take the boots off without the need to untie the shoelaces.

I am very pleased with the costume and boots I received. Being someone who doesn't know how to sew, I depend a lot on purchasing costumes, shoes and props from the right shops. It is not the modest thing to do in cosplay world, but I have to make sure I can role the character perfectly. *pressures*






Looking forward to show at Animangaki this 29th August as the sweet Luka Megurine. See ya!

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*shiawase face* Finally, it's all over! *throws confetti*

Some of you may have known that I am quite busy this month. Well, one main reason is because there are quite few number of events, including one of the main events I plan to go. Another main reason is because I was requested to do interviews for Hijab Lolita and Hijab cosplay.

And both occurred in the same week.


To be honest, Hijab Lolita and Hijab cosplay are not, what most people assume, new sub-cultures. Hijab Lolita still applies the same principles as other Lolita, so as Hijab cosplay. The difference is, we wear hijab. Apparently, people thought that we hijabsters are trying to create a new sub-culture which we would add 'hijab' in front.

It's actually wrong, though.

I mean, there is no WIG cosplay term out there, is there? 

Same goes with Lolita. Also, due to the quite surprise rapid growth of us hijabsters, controversial issues begin to rise. Not only among the sub-culture community, but also among the people who embrace Islam, like, is this allowed?

One of the interviews I had to do was with JUICE magazine and, well, they were very interested to understand the controversial issues. I can say it was the hardest interview I had ever experienced, not even my work interview stressed me out like this! I trust them with the footage and the video of my interview, believe that they understand the points and have sufficient closure of the issues that haunts us the hijab cosplayers.

Another interview was rather relaxing, but due to some reasons I was stressed out. I was not invited personally, but more like Saakira-chan needed four girls to participate in the hijab lolita interview for NTV9. I was not interviewed, Alhamdulillah, and was busy setting up background props, arranging the dresses and all.

But, you know Hana. She won't let things be off THAT easy.

Interesting twists happened and Haine finally settled and at ease now.

Thanks to the crew asking us to sit together, I managed to let out my thoughts to the girls and that relieved me. All the self-thoughts and ideas and whatnot- I blew it all out and could feel my shoulders are slightly lighter than the usual.

I have soooooo many things to tell you guys, the two days of hectic and chaos. I know some of you are excited to know what Haine was thinking throughout the days, WHY ARE YOU SO OBSESSED WITH THAT NEGATIVE CONSCIENCE OF MINE?!

Till then <3

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An interview with TV9 about hijab lolita fashion occurred today.

What a simple introduction.


This entry is written like a story with Hana and Haine mentioned. Some of you understand how this works, it's like reading a novel from third party point of view. To some who are still new to this, don't worry. Just read according to the flow, you'll get it.


It all began with Saakira urgently inquired members of Hijab Cosplay Gallery if any of them was a Lolita fashion follower. She told them to privately messaged her number. Few stepped front and messaged her, I believe, and later a chat group was created to gather the members who had messaged her.

I was one of the girls who answered her call, and was not that surprised when Saakira had already had me in her mind. It was like "by hook or by crook, Hana has to join me".

Yikes.

Haine did not interfere with this, not one bit, because she knew and understood how much Hana loved Lolita fashion and wanted to contribute in it. Saakira said she needed only four more girls to join her in the interview. The four were chosen.

Lulu echah, Dianah, Airi-chan and me. 

Airi, Saakira and I are still new to Lolita. Some of you may think I know A LOT about Lolita but no actually. Saakira suggested to take one day- few days before the interview- to discuss and to prepare. Apparently, the day everyone picked to discuss about the interview was on Thursday.

The same Thursday I had interview for Juice magazine.

Hana was so committed to see this interview thoroughly, and agreed to attend the supposed discussion despite how exhausted it will be. However, the discussion did not occur as we expected.

Hana was frustrated. Haine- you know how once her little flower is down, she becomes angry. I became stressed, even more than I should have. I was stressed because of the community and my position in it, and I was stressed because of the interview.

The day- today- has come. Haine could not stay still and was furious in the morning. Pressure and tension leaped my guts right up I felt I could pass out anytime. Yet, I am not the type of girl who could pass out no matter how sick and exhausted I am.

Comforted by the willing older conscience to take over, Hana retreated and let herself being embraced in the arms of the another. It was reaching the critical point where neither of us could bear it.

So Haine took charge of the day. She packed things, she arranged things, she planned things. She understands how Hana would like her things to be handled. All she wished now was Michiru could help calm Hana down. Maybe because I am too used to tell everything to Michiru, even though she is not part of the Hijab Cosplay Gallery community.

I really wished she was there to help me, but she was not. Not today. It's fine though, Haine remained calm and did things accordingly. Watching from behind the shades was Hana. Haine was fine being all herself. She compromised and little by little Hana regained herself.

Haine noticed the little flower was peeking, but she was not ready to let her take over. No- she was still worried if she could handle the pressure.

"I can handle this," Hana said. Haine did not look and continued to do the work. The interview began, and I was focusing on getting the clothes rack ready. It was not part of the discussion, but it was all thanks to Haine's decision to buy and bring the clothes rack that made the interview more interesting it seemed.

Saakira asked me.

"Do you want to do the interview?"

I looked at her and shook my head. Haine preferred to focus on setting up things and not delay the interview. After all, I was still in my casual clothes, not in my dress and has no make up on. It would take time for me to put everything on.

Hana finally stepped out from behind the shades and tugged Haine. "I'm all right now, can I take over for the day?" I guess this was supposed to a fun day, so I should not get all tensed about it, right? Haine nodded.

I took pieces I wanted to wear and rushed to toilet with Airi and a box of makeup. We changed clothes and put on makeup. It is like playing dress-up for Hana and she loved it. Watching Hana smiling and laughing gave great sense of relief to Haine.

"I'm going to retreat now, have fun Hana."

And so the day went by for me as Hana. When I reached back the cafe, I approached Saakira and asked who else. It was Dianah who was being interviewed at that time. I nodded understood and focused on shifting the rack to different section of the cafe.

Hana was humming happily and Haine was simply watching.
Hana put on eyeliner and blusher, and Haine grinned silently.
Both were happy.

I noticed Airi was questioned about Lolita and simply listened to it. Because Hana was so happy, I ended up blabbering in Japanese.

Etto...
Honto...
Chigauyo...
Dame yo...

It was unbearable, but Hana enjoyed it. Haine watched the female interviewer's face and notebook. She looked at Hana. "I wonder if she asks the basic thing about Lolita?" Hana then asked, "Do you know the types of Lolita?"

The female interviewer seemed to have her interest perked by my question. She flipped a new page of her notebook, ready to jot down things. Hana froze still. Haine chuckled. "Go on, you didn't get your chance to be interview just now right?" She pointed out. Hana shook her head, nervous.

Haine rolled her eyes. "Then I do it."

I began walking o the mini wardrobe we had set up and explained about types of lolita, the anatomy of lolita fashion, this and that. I was not sure if the cameraman actually recorded what I said, since I blabbered here and there in Japanese, English and Malay.

"Ah,whatever. My target is not to be recorded by the camera. I simply want that woman to love what Hana loves about this dress-up game," Haine said. Hana laughed and helped.

I managed to cover up almost the basics of the fashion, Alhamdulillah. Haine and Hana high fived.

Mission accomplished!

Hana was still worried about one more thing- the Hijab Cosplay Gallery. She was not sure how to get the burden off, and so Haine decided to speak on her behalf.

I opened the discussion by saying, "I actually wanted to discuss about HCG future plan". Haine began explaining the visions of the event, the activities and the management. Who involved, how to do it, where should it done and when should this plan proceed. With Haine by her side, Hana became little bit braver to speak.

Ideas.
More ideas.
Another ideas.

Slowly, from one tall tree, it took few branches and grew few leaves.

I guided Airi-chan, who is the community secretary, through the discussion. We drafted the basic details together. Through half of the day, we talked and discussed and got every little bit of burden Hana has out. Of course, I can't say everything was out. There are few things remain inside, but Haine can manage that.

At the end of the day, the female interviewer was happy and excited that she remarked she wanted to try out the clothes one day. Hana feel a lot better after the long discussion.

As for Haine, finally she can have a good peaceful sleep that awaits.

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Haii! So some of you may have already known that I helped with the preparation of coordinate for both Airi-chan and Saakira-chan for the lolita interview which will be held this Sunday. Actually, it is more like I have to handle the coordinate preparation due to the fact both of them have no idea about Lolita fashion and what they should wear.

Not saying I am an expert but I know more than them and I am their sempai.

Saakira thought of wearing one of my dresses, which I don't mind but I thought why not improve a little bit of her coordinate? After all, the dress is fine. In terms of accessories, though, the coordinate is lacking something. So! I decided to make a headdress for her!


WHAT YOU NEED:
1. Ribbon or fabric for the headdress base. You need the width to be at least 7.5 cm and 30 cm long, so if you are going to use fabric, make sure to have the width extra 4 cm on the width and length. 2 cm extra on each side is to be sewn to hide away the irregularity during the cutting process. I have no idea what the term is called, it is the hem? Oh you will need TWO pieces of this.

In terms of material, cotton and satin are the best. I do not encourage you to use organza, grosgrain, chiffon and velvet. The base should be as simple as it can be, may it be plain color or with printing on it.

2. Laces for the side ruffles of the headdress. It should not be less than 2 meters. I would say it is pretty much up to how you fold the lace to make the ruffles. At certain times, you might miss-fold the lace and therefore it is safer to have extra length of it.

Choose your lace wisely. I actually can't give an exact type of lace to be used since I'm pretty sure there are many types of laces out there. Lolita fashion is very careful of laces. The embroidery and the netting should not be too lacking and spacious. Floral pattern is the best choice. There should not be any fancy glitter details on it too.

3. Smaller in width ribbons. It's self-explanatory at this point. Similar rules applied here as the first point, EXCEPT the ribbons should NOT be printing one. This should be ribbons ONLY as we will sew it ON TOP of the base.

4. Other accessories. Bows, beads, chains, charms, gems, flowers- your choice. For this headdress, I want it to be simple but elegant and therefore, I only use bows and flowers. You know there are many types of flowers out there. Typical ones would be the blooming artificial roses. Some might even consider of using foam roses. For this, I want to try something different. I dont know what this flower is called but yeah, you'll see!


HOW DO YOU DO IT?!
I hand-sew, mostly because I don't have, and don't know how to use, a sewing machine. I hand-sew the lace onto the base ribbon while having it being folded at least 2 cm apart to make the ruffle. I did each side of the base with one side sewn with the lace. Then, the side without the ruffle on each base ribbon- I hand-sew it together with the side with the ruffle on.

Why not using just one piece of base ribbon? Why do you need two?
This is satin ribbon we are talking about. That means, it is thin and when you wear it, it might appears flat. So I have to sew two layers of satin ribbon together to make the base look more like fabric-made instead of ribbon-made.

Why do you sew the two pieces together AFTER you sew the ruffle?
One of the reasons is because I want to hide the ugly hand-sew I have when I sow the ruffle. Another reason is, I want the netting of the lace remains hidden INSIDE the ribbon base instead of appearing all messy on the surface of the ribbon base.

Then how you hide your ugly hand-sew after you sew the two ribbon base together?!
Notice there's lace at the corner of the headdress in the third picture? I use hot glue to paste the lace onto the headdress exactly where the hand-sew is to hide the thread and sewing.

Why is your ribbon on your headdress appear slightly lighter than the base of the headdress?
It's actually something I often to. I like contradict the shades to make the accessories more appealing. More over, the light pink ribbon and bows fit the flower I bought. Oh and of course, I choose this flower because it gives this... nice sweet and gentle maiden-like feelings.

HOW MUCH OF TIME AND MONEY DO YOU SPENT FOR THIS?!
Good question. If I were to divide the ribbon roll as per meter, the flowers according to per unit, I would say the headdress costs roughly RM 27 excluding the hot glue and the sewing kit. At the same time, I have spent at least ONE AND HALF DAY to finish the headdress.

I LOVE YOUR DESIGN! IS IT POSSIBLE IF I ORDER ONE FROM YOU?
This is craft and by craft I mean, I'm doing it for fun. I am not born as perfectionist in terms of art neatness and presentation. If you are okay with few flaws, and not fussy over things like or example half cm short, then I guess you can order from me. Take not that I like to have deep conversation with you to know what look you want exactly.

Saakira-chan is wearing the headdress and it matches perfectly with her dress. *hearts*

Check the right column of the blog to see more of my self-made pieces.

Till then! <3

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It's hard to type my thoughts about this in this entry. When we are talking about position, I'm pretty sure everyone knows what it is about.

Power.
Authorities.
The right to command.

But people do not see to achieve those things, the position means something more than that.

Loyalty.
Full commitment.
Trust.
It is in my deepest regret to feel that when I'm being selected to hold a position, whether it's for formal purposes or for fun, like group project or a community, I failed to do my job. The worse part it, it is because I did not do my job, it's because I could not do my job.

I am young, I admit, and by young I don't mean my age. I'm lacking of experience to lead people who may have more and ample amount of knowledge about particular matters than I do. I feel inferior to tell people based on my what I understand because in the group or community, I feel I'm just a newcomer.

Should I feel that way?

I struggle to reconcile the fact that if I were amateur, then why am I being selected to hold that position? I reconsider back how I got my position and it was not fair, I understand.

I was chosen without any voting session.
I was simply chosen due to the fact I being 'proactive and show charismatic personality' of sort.

Is that enough to become a leader?

To be honest, I don't like having myself question my credibility. I have pride and this sort of situation ache my pride. When it does, all I think is to just give up the position. But then I started thinking.

If I give this up, what will happen to the community?
Will it last?

In fact, what exactly IS the community about? What is its plan for short and long terms? Is this for real, or for fun? How far am I allowed to bring this community?

Call me a stern chick, but that's just me. I'm pretty sure majority of us think a community is a huge circle of people that should be all about freedom to do anything. But in my point of view it's not.

Community is simply a circle of people that are defenseless and weak, unless they stay together. We are to watch each other's back, to guide and to support one another. Community teaches us how to work with people, and how to step out of the box to become a better and noticeable figure in the community.

Isn't that what it is about?

I wonder. Could it be my fault? Maybe I should not take this position, should I? Maybe if someone else is in charge of it, then it will expand faster, would it? Again, I feel stings inside.

Position is not simply a title. It's a trust that an individual must uphold to contribute something to the organization or the group or the community. But the question is how?

How can the individual make his or her contribution if nobody seems wanting to lend a hand to his or her effort?

Sometimes I feel offended by normal excuses like everyone is busy with school and work, or everyone is too far away to do something for the community.

I too am busy. I'm running out of air trying to reach the goal for my parents and my future. I study and struggle, crying and sweating all day and night, working and swallowing negativity and do you actually I am NOT as busy as everyone?

Even though I'm only thirty minutes from Kuala Lumpur, I brace myself with the traffic just to reach the meeting spot we have promised. I don't mind taking a day off from work just to be able to make it to the meeting day where the only day majority of the committee members could come. I have e-mail and skype and whatsapp and all other methods to communicate the technologies could provide and do you actually think that is a good excuse to say you CANNOT contribute anything at all?

Why this community even exist? If everyone is simply wants to act like it's not much of a thing but simply a branch of the general community, then why establish it? If it is just a port for everyone to chill and hang out, then how can it is possible to achieve when there's no communication or planning or anything going on?

I talk as if I know things. Who am I anyway, right? You know, even a prime minister is a nobody, a stranger, but people don't care who he is, instead they care what he does for his people. I don't compare myself with a prime minister, but all positions in my view is as crucial as the prime minister's position.

If I failed to lead a small group of people, then I can't imagine of leading, perhaps, my own department when I work. I want to become to make a change to the world, so I should learn how to do it now in a small portion of society.

What will I ever do, I wonder?

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